Being a Tourist in DC in the Summer is Exhausting 2011

Let me tell you a story (as if you had a choice).

Noah Webster. Does the name sound familiar? It should. If you have ever used a dictionary, you probably used a descendent of his An American Dictionary of the English Language. Well, in addition to his love of defining words, he was also a revolutionary. As in the American Revolution. He so despised the tyranny of England that he sought to free America from not just the illogical constraints to the colonies' liberty, like 'taxation without representation', but also from that silly 'u' in words like 'colour' and 'harbour' and subbed in a 'z' for the 's' at the end of words like organization. 

One lexicographical anecdote I like in Webster's quest for complete independence from the British throne is that of the pronunciation of the word herb. Now, us in the states like to pronounce our aitches (plural for 'h') but in the Commonwealth countries they do not. I especially remember this from studying abroad in South Africa ("what the 'ell, bru?!). And then one day, much to my surprise, they went ahead and threw in the 'h' in herb. So, oddly, the one word that common Americans leave the aitch out of, the Commonwealth countries take the time to pronounce.

Turns out it this is not a mere coincidence. All because Noah Webster was like "Nay, England, we will not be emulating your arbitrary annunciation of the letter aitch in American English, but rather for all those words in which you pronounce it we will not; and for any word that you leave it out, it will be emphasized as a sign of our moral superiority to Britain and an exclamation of our liberty from the King in all aspects of our society and culture."

Jeff Leaves the House on the Weekend: not only a source for all the juicy gossip of my life, but occasionally a source of historical tidbits to be used accordingly when watching Jeopardy. You're welcome.

 It was brought to my attention this weekend that I had drifted away from fictionalizing parts of this here weblog. When did that happen this weekend? Well, you can deduce for yourself based on the events that transpired, as described below:

Those little pictures representing $5 burgers on my Lou's Beer and Burger Savings Card were not going to hole-punch their selves. So there I was, being all social again for happy hour on Friday. And by social I mean transplanting interacting with 5 of 6 of my roommates from the living room at the house to Lou's. I'll count it.

There's a new bar in Columbia Heights called Acre 121. (Do you remember a little while back when I told you about how we saw our city councilman driving by in a convertible VW bug? Well I saw this car again this weekend and I thought to myself, "if i could say anything to this councilman of mine, what would it be?" My first thought was "councilman, please offer tax breaks to get more bars opened up in Columbia Heights. I promise they will succeed." Yeah, I live a pretty good, sheltered life here in the CH Bubble so my most pressing concern is the crowdedness of the neighborhood bars. Anyway, it turns out it wasn't the councilman in the car. Maybe that is a sign to think of something grander to ask if I ever do run into him and feel like getting all civic with him.) Well, we decided to give this bar a try. The original idea was to head down to Chinatown, but there is no need to leave the neighborhood and incur transport costs.

Have you ever played 'credit card roulette'? Neither had I. I was thinking, 'what are the chances i lose this and pick up the tab?" The answer: 20%. But I picked up 100% of that tab there. Fuck. I knew that was going to happen. But I am sure any one of us that lost would have said the same thing and that just would not make sense. It was only like $40, but that doesn't make me feel any less spited by the odds gods. And now my perception of Acre 121 could be ruined forever. That and the quantity of fancy pants in there. Oh, hey, FYI: the recently dubbed "Official Drink of DC" is the Rickey. I had one there.

Then we hiked up 14th St. to another new bar, the Getaway, and sat out on the porch area there letting the fact that there were a handful of decent bars within a couple of blocks from our house soak in with the moderately priced PBRs.

Then we hiked just a little more up 14th St. to arrive at Red Derby, your standard hipster dive bar. Now I've got a couple hipster-adverse roommates so being here was very similar to that one bar we squirmed through in the East Village in New York. Remember that?

And that was Friday.

Saturday I woke up just in time to get to the little farmer's market down the street as it was closing. Who closes at 2pm? "Farmers" I guess. One day I will get there in time.

What's your favorite team in the English Premier League? Mine, for pretty much completely random reasons and the presence of Tim Howard, is Everton. Oh, who is that you're playing on July 23rd, DC United? Everton? OK, yeah, I'll go to that. So, more people than I ever would have thought possible would be interested in an Everton-DC United game first came over to "pre-game" then head to RFK to "game."

That's funny you ask that, you inquisitive reader, because, yes, DC was the hottest city in the country on Saturday with a heat index of 108 (108!) degrees.

After much deliberation and intention questioning, we ended up at Stetsons on U St. after the game for reasons relating to proximity to our respective houses. It is true, I would much rather metro closer to home earlier than most likely cab back later from further away. It was so joyous being part of the masses patronizing U St. on a Saturday night. You know, there is a pretty strong correlation between my feeling relevant and my feeling content. You probably think I am all emotionally complex from reading this blog, but, no, I'm quite simple: relevance. What, you think I stay up late because I like the smell of 1am? No, 1am smells a lot like 10pm. It's being with the others that are up that keeps me up. And a well-ingrained habit.

Anyway.

New plan for taking advantage of DC: eating at different ethnic restaurants throughout the city. First up: Ghana Cafe in the Logan Circle Area. Why Ghana Cafe first? At the time, idk. In hindsight: the jesus guiding me to Castle Milk Stout. Never heard of it? Well, there was a time when I believed it to be a waste of money to buy anything but cheap beer. Then I ended up in South Africa where cheap beer was also good beer, like Castle Milk Stout. It was my gateway beer. And my alcoholic holy grail. Until Ghana Cafe. It was $12 but I did not hesitate for a second in committing to getting one.

How did it taste after all these years? I couldn't tell you. They were out. Good goat curry though.

After the loss in credit card roulette and Castle Milk Stout not-close-enough encounter, I was starting to think the alcohol gods were trying to tell me something. Or maybe it was the non-alcoholic gods. Whatever.

Did you know there is a Titanic Memorial in DC? There's pretty much a memorial to everything in DC. Except Martin Luther King, Jr. We'll get to that in a paragraph or two.

Here is the Titanic Memorial:

Basically, you just get off at Waterfront, walk down 4th past the naval fort from 1791, and make a right. Honestly, the benches over looking the Potomac were more appealing than the above statue. And the kids smoking pot on the bench next to us would probably agree.

Now, that very well could have been a day right there, especially since it wasn't much less hot out than on Saturday, but we had big plans. Next up: FDR Memorial. So we bikeshare it right along M St. on over to Smithsonian, encircle the Tidal Basin on foot withstanding the ever-so-comforting feeling of your skin literally burning, rest under the Cherry Blossoms and finally arrive at the FDR Memorial. Oh, and right next to it is the yet-to-be completed MLK, Jr. Memorial. It's about time DC.

To-be MLK Memorial:

Part of the FDR Memorial:

Disclaimer: I can be insensitive. This little bit of potentially horrible, yet beautifully hilarious, irony was posed: what if the FDR Memorial was accidentally created without being handicap accessible? Oh this got quite the chuckle from me, admittedly guiltily. Luckily, however, the FDR Memorial is handicap accessible.

Being a tourist in the middle of the summer in DC is exhausting. I have never wanted to be on the metro as badly as I did after we were finished at the FDR Memorial. And after a not-so-short walk past the Lincoln Memorial to the closest bikeshare dock, a ride down Constitution, and traversing of 3 typically long DC blocks we arrived at said metro. And, miraculously, after waiting only like 1 minute, the silver savior, the metro, arrived.

King's Dominion 2011

So I tell you, dear reader, a lot about my weekends when I leave the house. Let's talk for a minute about what I do during the week (and some times on the weekend, too) while not leaving the house. There is eating food, which is enjoyable sometimes. There is sleeping, which was a lot more enjoyable before the only outlet in my bedroom broke and I was forced to run an extension cord from the kitchen and plug a surge protector into that, which it turns out was not powerful enough to run my window air conditioning unit on anything other than fan. A fan that blows around hot air is not very productive/conducive for deep stages of sleep. When I studied abroad in South Africa it was summer when we arrived there and there were no air conditioning units whatsoever, including fans. I remember feeling for the first several weeks that I never attained REM sleep and I now realize that is directly related to activity of my sweat glands in a completely relaxed state.

Anyway.

The reason I started the above paragraph is to mention how this summer is becoming the summer of The Wire because I watch it pretty much whenever I am at the house. I figure I could do worse, right? Like go to sleep in my personal sauna/bedroom.

Oh and that new FX show, Wilfred, is hilarious too. But you probably won't think so. Unless you watch it thinking the dog suit guy is actually a dog. Then it is hilarious because animals are funny. If you don't, then you are just watching a guy dressed in a dog suit being ridiculous, which isn't so funny. It takes an imagination and odd sense of humor.

Needless to say, I did not come into this with much to write about this weekend. Let's get to it.

So Friday I did one of those stereotypical social human being things: attended a happy hour. A bunch of roommates (yeah there are a bunch of them. six--seven inlcuding myself--to be exact.) and I bought this beer and hamburger deal for a local bar/restaurant called Lou's. I hadn't used mine yet and one of my roommates had only used his like once so we decided to take advantage of it. And we did. And it was real bar-like with the beer and the burgers and the sports talk. Manliest thing I have ever been a part of actually.

Then we went back to the house, sat on the deck, smoked some and drank more and had a two hour discussion about whether it is possible to will yourself to not get drunk while drinking enough to intoxicate most people. I say nay but, if it is possible, I want back all those days (and there are a lot of them) that I spent in bed hungover because of my propensity to fall to the apparently subjective power of alcohol. Oh the things I would do with those days. Watch The Wire probably.

Best thing about happy hour drinking: passing out early. So by 1130 I was passed out in the living room. Normally this would make me feel old and useless but we were supposed to get up early and go to the, self-proclaimed, best amusement park in the mid-atlantic region, King's Dominion.

I was up by 830am all on my own. Suck on that truth all you haters.

Then we packed our lunches and got on the road to Kings Dominion. I didn't realize it was like 1.5 hours away. I guess that explains the necessity of the early awakening.

2.5 hours later we were there. There was traffic but I slept through it so it's kind of like it wasn't there.

I don't know if you have ever been to an amusement park but if you do not have the ability to delay gratification your time there is not going to be very enjoyable, or at least you will not be riding any of the good rides. In fact, you'll probably be that creepy adult on the kids rides as those are the only ones without long lines. We stuck to only those rides rated a 5: aggressive thrill factor!! I hadn't been to an amusement park in like 7 years (the last was Dorney Park in PA) and this fact escaped me somewhere along the way, or the lines were not that long but what we titled the "thrill-to-wait ratio" at King's Dominion did not start out very high. Much lower than 1, actually. Now don't get me wrong, the rides were quite thrilling (there was the Dominator, the Volcano, the Flight of Fear), but it took us like 4 hours to get through these three rides. With the traffic and long wait times this trip was not looking entirely worth it. I was even pairing up with random people to get on quicker. Screaming like an eight year old girl, asking them to hold my hand was pretty weird. Especially when they said no.

Then came the water park rides. Things sped up there. Or at least the first one where you share a tube with a partner and get flushed down a giant funnel.

Then there was the giant slide. Pretty inexplicably, this ride was the only one that made me nervous the entire day. I think it was because you're pretty much free falling down a 6 story tube at risk of getting any one of your extremities caught on who-knows-what. Then it was my turn and I tucked my sandals to my chest, yelled "oh crap!!" and two seconds later it was over. My muffled panic was apparently pretty comical to those still up top. Thrill-to-wait ratio was definitely lowest for this ride, however.

After that, though, all thrill-to-wait ratios approaching 0 were negated by Amusement Times' (or whatever the rollercoaster magazine is called) Best New Ride of 2010, The Intimidator 305 (the drop is 305 feet high). This was the only ride we got on twice and had we ridden it earlier it might have been the only ride we got on at all. Dropping at an 85 degree angle is a pretty unexplainable feeling. But you know what I mean.

Then on the way back to the house driving through city I felt like a teenager again looking at all the cool older people getting to go out to all the bars and stay out late, thinking "man I can't wait until I am 21 and can go out to bars to drink." Except that I am 26. But maybe one day I will be that cool. Probably not.

And that was me leaving the house this past weekend. Except for Sunday before the travesty that was the US Women's World Cup final loss to Japan (I am not one of those people that is like, "I am happy for Japan given all that they've been through this year." Screw that. A women's world cup is not going to rebuild an economy or clear radiation from the air. Insensitive? Probably. But arguing otherwise pretty much puts sports on a pedestal far higher than it deserves. Really, though, I am just bitter that we didn't win because if there is anything I care about in this world it is women's sports.) when I tried out this new pho place in Adam's Morgan (pho over $10 should be illegal) and then went to workout after the game to boost my mood.

4th of July Weekend and the One After That 2011

Oh hey there, dear reader. Haven't seen you here in a little while. Let me explain.

So I went back home to Pennsylvania the last couple weekends. I know, at first read that sounds ridiculous because it's Bethlehem, PA and if you were just going to go to the same place why didn't you just stay there the whole time?

Don't be such a cynic, you.

Here's my explanation:

A little while back I was informed my neighbor would be having a quoits tournament on July 2nd. Oh, you don't know what quoits is huh? Well then you're probably not from eastern PA. Well it's a backyard game with a similar concept to horseshoes but with a slate board with a metal hub in the middle of it at which you are supposed to throw little rubber doughnuts from 18 feet away. It's a load of fun. Anyway. My neighbor was having a tournament on July 2nd and I wanted to attend. It also just so happens that my mom was getting a double knee replacement a few days before then and she wanted some company.

Now here is why I went back to the same place two weekends in a row with me not having enough time saved up to take off for a whole week in between the two weekends being the reason I didn't stay the whole time. No, that's a lie. I didn't stay at home for a week because I didn't want to stay at home for a week and waste my vacation days. Don't tell mother and father. The reason for two weekends though is that my mom was going to be in the hospital for the weekend of July 2nd and I couldn't spend any real time with her there so I was like 'well, I can't justify going home and not spending any real time with my mom and I am not going to be able to do that on the 2nd so I will just go back the next weekend too when she is back at the house.'

So that is why I went to Bethlehem, PA two weekends in a row. And since going to Bethlehem, PA is not really worth two weekends in a row on normal occasions, I treated it as such by not writing last week and will cover both here. Sorry for the delay and thank you for your loyalty.

So I rent a car, pick up my roommate Thomas from my house and we head on up to PA. Basically that whole night once we arrived was spent practicing quoits because I wanted to feel like my $20 to play on Saturday was not merely me donating to someone else's winnings. Except at about 130am we needed a break from all the drinking and quoits clanking. PA is like the closest thing to prohibition so most alcohol places that are not bars closed about 4 hours earlier. The only place I know that sells beer/food this late is a place called Lehigh Pizza. My older sister was home with some of her friends and was designatingly driving them around so she took us there. Well, I was hungry for a cheesesteak so I was bought one.

Now, have you ever seen Four Loco sold anywhere? Yeah, neither had I. Until Lehigh Pizza. Well, Thomas was feeling ambitious so we each bought one. And I understand their illegality. They taste like juice in which someone accidentally dropped a pinch of alcohol, except it was like 12% ABV. Copious amounts of sugar, alcohol, and tasty food pretty much guarantee you're not getting to bed any time soon so, as is custom in my house back home, we played Trivial Pursuit and, as is also custom, I dominated because if I am good at anything in life now that my right arm is out of commission and I can't throw things anymore it is recalling trivial facts. And whistling. Unfortunately, in this economy, the job market for someone with my skills is pretty poor. Fortunately, however, I have a good job somehow so I can pursue my other talents on the side (Jeopardy for the trivia and annoying friends, family, etc. with the whistle. Side bar because there was no one else around when this occurred in real time: As anyone who knows me is familiar, I can whistle in quite a high pitch and it is easily mistaken for something not caused by a human being. Well, I work on this project for a government accounting-type system and my desk is right near all the hardware for it. The other day I was whistling in this high pitch as is a habit of mine as one of the maintenance guys was walking by. He hears the high pitch sound and stops mid-step, looks around, then goes into the room with all the big, high tech hardware and has a gander wondering if the high pitch sound came from in there. Little did he know it was caused by a human being and that human being was I. HA. One of the more proud moments of my life.) Then we played more quoits until about 4 am.

Then I woke up and went to visit my mom in the hospital. Given the unpleasantness of hospitals, I didn't stay long. I know, this makes me look like a moderately to very bad son. But here was my calculus: my mom knows I am not comfortable in the hospital (I don't know, I expected for a knee surgery there would be a little more space in the room and a lot less equipment/person sharing the room with her) and I would be coming home the next weekend to see her in a more comfortable location for me. Which reminds me: if you are on your deathbed, forgive me if I don't come to visit, or, if you are, don't expect me to stay long. I apologize for my insincerity ahead of time.

Shockingly, drinking a bunch of beer and four loco leaves a hangover, so, to prepare for my day of drinking, I called upon nurse Wendy and doctor Gatorade to get me ready. Did the trick just fine.

Do you remember how I told you how one of the more proud moments of my life was when I made someone mistake my whistle for a problem with some really expensive computer hardware? Yeah, that's pretty much because I haven't accomplished much in my life to be proud of, including being out after three matches in the July 2, 2011 quoits tournament. It was about then I started questioning the point of driving home for said quoits tournament. But don't you worry, I got my money's worth consuming a ton of food and drink. Then we went swimming. Then we went to eat more food a this delicious Syrian place in Allentown called Aladdin even though I was on the brink of exploding at that point. Then I stopped consuming things and we went to the casino where I immediately lost $20 and realized my winnings in Atlantic City a few weeks ago were almost certainly a fluke and gambling is not a profitable venture. More hopes and dreams dashed right there. Then after about 36 hours in Bethlehem, we left.

But wait, the ride back was not without event, if you count eating at a chinese buffet an event like I do. If there is a chinese buffet to be found, Thomas and I will find it. So, if you are ever hungry driving through York, PA, there is an excellent chinese buffet there in the shopping center right off the highway. After getting back to DC I just sat on the couch because somewhere along the line I subconsciously decided to try to become a fat person. Upon realizing this I made the conscious decision to try to not become a fat person because with my bone structure and tiny head it would look ridiculous.

Oh yeah, there was the 4th of July. Well, I slept late because those hours described above did not leave me feeling that well for some reason. But I made a day of it by watching your national capital's fireworks show from atop the hill at 13th and Lamont, which, btw, is probably one of the best non-rooftop locations to see them in DC in case you're ever in town on the 4th, which, btw, I do not recommend because you will be sharing that idea with about 2723948 million other people.

Then work that week was pointless because pretty much everyone but I decided that week was not a waste of their time off.

Here's another reason why I decided to go up to PA the next weekend: I had a couple roommates going up to Philadelphia so it would be cheap for me to take the bus up with them and spend the night drinking in Philadelphia, sleep there, and take the bus up to Bethlehem the next day. Which is exactly what I did.

But, just to reinforce that it didn't make the most sense to do that, jesus made it rain while having to walk the good distance from the metro to the bus. Then he created traffic and placed our bus in the middle of it so that it took us about 4 hours to make the otherwise about 2 hour trip to Philadelphia from DC.

I'm not sold there's much more to Philadelphia than the Phillies and cheesesteaks. (I really want to like Philadelphia so if you can convince me there is more to it than those things, please please do.) So, first things first, we ate cheesesteaks from JJs on South Street, which were good but not as good as the other popular places in the city. Then we went to any old random bar on South Street for a couple beers before heading back to Temple where our friend was staying and where we would be sleeping. We didn't think this one through. Scratch that; we didn't pay enough attention to her email detailing basically that there wasn't really any real place to sleep at her place as it is a dorm with a tiny bed and a linoleum floor.

All right, well this was definitely not a problem alcohol couldn't solve. So, either I was finding a random person at the bar I could shack with or I was getting sufficiently drunk that sleeping on a linoleum floor didn't seem like such a bad thing. If you've been keeping up with this blog I can promise you you know me better than if you actually had a real life, interpersonal relationship with me, which all two of you that read this do, so it probably didn't take any in depth thought to realize which option I took.

So we started off with the 'shot of the day', swedish fish. Then I drank a few of yuenglings mixed in with a couple more shots, then another beer, crossed my fingers, put on a smile and hoped a random stranger wouldn't find me too creepy and would offer my a place to sleep.

Yeah, that didn't work.

Sleeping on an almost bare linoleum floor is not as bad as it sounds.

Then we went to one of the big famous cheesesteak places for breakfast and I got on a bus back to Bethlehem straight to the casino. Seriously. Kind of. I had my dad pick me up there.  I didn't gamble.

Turns out hanging out at home with a mother coming off a double knee replacement surgery is not as blogworthy as it sounds. So not too much write about there. Other than that though was a mediocre bar experience Saturday night, a stop by my friend's slow pitch softball game on Sunday, of which I was quite jealous (believe me, world, even though I live in a moderately large city I in no way think I am better than those that live in the small towns and wouldn't desire something like a Sunday slow pitch softball beer league with a bunch of friends from high school. I mean, I know I come off arrogant most of the time, but I promise that is just a lack of confidence and a bit of social ineptness.), and a visit to my grandfather where I would be like 'hey, grandfather, do you need anything?' and he would be like 'a redhead.' OK, 86 year old man, what on earth would you do with a redhead? And there was some good, father-cooked food in there, too.

And there it is: my three straight weekends in PA. Maybe now I will get back to the point of this weblog and visit some tourist sights here in DC. I won't be leaving town for a while, so we'll see. But, DC was just ranked the 6th hottest city in the country and there are 2340983 million tourists around at any given moment during the summer so the motivation to not be here is quite great.