February 20, 2011

So I got up at a reasonable hour (the 11 am one) and decided to make my destination this Sunday that I leave the house the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. Apparently it is as large and ornate as its name. It is the largest catholic church in the US, the eighth largest religious structure in the world, and the tallest building in DC--according to my bff wikipedia. Also, it's only like 2 miles away from my house. So it has that going for it as well, which you should note if you are one to make amendments to wikipedia entries.

Now I put on some weight during the holiday/winter terribleness season so this little hike to the basilica not only serves the purpose of exploring more of DC but also of helping me fit into my pants like I used to. I am not a large person by really any definition, other than maybe height if you would say someone that is like an inch taller than the national average for guys is tall, but who wants to buy new pants.

But this has nothing to do with anything that even I should care about (but I really don't want to have to buy new pants and I would like to be able to fit into the really tight pants I bought for new years) so let's get back to the relevant topic.

The short of it is that I never made it to the basilica. Not because I went right back to sleep and gave up on leaving the house on Sunday already, but because I got distracted along the way--in a positive way--which is the long of it and is as follows:

I am walking along Kenyon St. toward the basilica when I come across a man that says to me "Hey, do you have any cigarettes?" I tell him that I do not. He says "Sorry, didn't mean to imply that you were the type of guy that would smoke." I say I am not offended and once was a smoker for a short six months, so you were not entirely off. Then we get to talking about our names and such and the whole time I am thinking "man this guy looks like leader of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi" but not nearly as appalling. Lucky for him. (Seriously, is there a more noteworthy person as unattractive as this guy? Even more seriously, contact your representatives in Congress to press for the US to take action against his human rights abuses.)

So I ask him if he has been following what has been going on in the Middle East and North Africa. He says "No, why, what happened?" I find this endearing. "O well there is kind of a revolution sweeping across the region with leaders that have been in power for decades stepping down, including in Libya. You kind of look like the leader of Libya, but not nearly as ugly." He laughed and said he gets that a lot. I said "really?" and he said "No, but thanks for the non-insult."

Then he asks me if I want to maybe purchase one of his antiquities so that he can use the money for cigarettes. I say sure, why not and ask where they're at. He says at his home. He seems like a moderately trustworthy guy so I agree to check it out. Also, I have been trying to branch out and say yes to things I normally would not just to see where it may lead me and this is the first time that it really could lead me to something completely new/regrettable. I mean who says yea to follow some random guy to his house, or least what I thought was going to be at his house.

Well, his house is in the sewer about a block away. I can't turn back now so I follow him pretty much completely intrigued as to where this is going to go if not to my death, but I have a good feeling about this guy. Have you ever seen someone open a manhole before? Neither have I before this instance. Before we enter I ask if he plans on killing me as I laugh as unnervously as possible. He pauses and looks at me and says, "Do you have any idea the extent of negative karma that is bestowed upon a murderer?" I'm sold.

So we climb down the ladder into the sewer and tied to the ladder is a box of his "antiquities". Amazing. I ask him he has ever seen any adolescent mutant reptiles that look like they might be able to roundhouse someone quite skillfully. Either he didn't hear me or he chose to ignore me (probably the latter--I get that a lot), so I ask him if he lives here by himself, which he says he does. "Do you get lonely?" "No, I haven't been lonely for years." "Wow, that must be nice." "Well, you can't really stay sane or endure this lifestyle if you're dependent on interpersonal relationships to be content." "O, I just assumed everyone had that necessity to some extent." "First, I convinced myself that I don't need connections with other people to be happy, then I packed a bag and have been on my way ever since not once lonely." "How did you convince yourself you don't need interpersonal relationships to be happy or at least content? I have been trying to do that since like the 6th grade when I realized it's a lot easier for me to not make friends and dislike people than accept everyone and present myself as being a potential asset to others and that they should consider taking my phone number and use it for entertainment/company every once and awhile." "Yea, it's not easy. And I am not saying it's not just a perpetual case of thorough cognitive dissonance, but as it is for you it was easier for me to put the energy towards thinking I can't make friends than step out of my head and be a social person. But don't get me wrong, this isn't about me feeling sorry for myself and giving up on being social. Your interpersonal relationships aren't really much more than a collection of memories with other people (and finding someone to impregnate of course, but you just have to think that there are probably more than enough people on earth). Anyway, it's just that most people choose to acquire those memories readily from a lot of the same people throughout life. I've compiled quite the memory bank from hundreds of people I've met but never kept any that close. And I've accepted the idea of not passing along my genes, which was a challenge." "Ha, I guess so. So you choose to live like this? I mean you seem pretty intelligent and all I would assume that at at least one point you would have been able to get a job somewhere." "Of course this is a choice. But more than that this lifestyle just felt more natural than living the 'get a job, start a family' life." (Now I was convinced he was related to Gaddafi, who descends from nomadic Bedouin.) "That sounds quite counter-evolutionary." "HA. Don't be foolish, man. Evolution isn't flawless." "Is that where jesus comes in?" "I wish. That's where the fallibility and power of the human mind comes in."

"Anyway, want to buy a real Native American arrowhead for $10 so I can get a pack of cigarettes?" "O, sorry man I don't have any cash."

So at that I bid him farewell and exited the sewer, leaving in as much disbelief of the reality of it all as I had entered and never did make it to the basilica.

Because I made that all up. Really I went home to Bethlehem, PA this Presidents' Day weekend. I ate a lot, drank a lot, saw some friends, saw the family and watched my friend win $500 at the casino by my house. And I got a haircut. It was a good time but the closest thing I saw to Muammar Gaddafi was in the news. But really that guy is terrifying looking.